Pedestals

I’ve been thinking a lot about pedestals.

In one of my favorite books, Conversations with Friends, the main character’s best friend says to her, “You think everyone you like is special.” Well I too think everyone I like is special. I hold my friends and loved ones in high regard, and if you’re a celebrity and I don’t know you I hold you in even higher regard! Thinking highly of people is, in part, what it means to love them, but that’s not all there is to it.

When I put someone up on a pedestal, that means I exist below the pedestal, on the dusky, unkempt dirt floor. I look up at my pedestal people and think, “Wow, they’re so amazing.” And then I think, “I could never do what they do. I could never be as good as them.”

In the running world, who do I hold up on pedestals? There’s my friends who are faster and stronger than me, and then there are pro runners like Lauren Fleshman, who I admire for her multi-hyphenate creativity, as she is also a writer, a podcaster, and an advocate in women’s sports. I admire Makenna Myler because she always seems to be having fun in both running and parenting, and she does cool things like PR in a charity mile while wearing jeans.

Holding these people up on pedestals does them a disservice by assuming everything is easy for them, and it does me a disservice by telling myself things are supposed to be easy, and if they’re not, something’s wrong with me.

What’s worse, sometimes I am the one up on the pedestal, looking down on others with my chest puffing out, showing off all my superiority.

So I’m thinking I should just get rid of the pedestals altogether. If we all came down to the dirt floor, and spruced it up a little, I’d just be looking around at a bunch of other humans. I wouldn’t be more or less capable, more or less prone to error, more or less interesting than anyone else.

I’m reminded of a phrase I heard in a guided meditation, “I am just as worthy as anyone else.” I’m not less worthy than others, and I’m also not more. What would it mean to value the ordinary, in myself, and in others?

Using the Buddha for Evil

(I recently published this story where I ask myself the question, “Does being present mean I don’ t have any desires?” It’s on the Trail Sisters blog and I’d love for you to read it!)

I have this joke with my therapist that I use the Buddha for evil, against myself. I know very little about actual Buddhism, but, like your average idiot, I like to try out life lessons and mindsets I don’t totally understand, like the ever popular, “be present.”

The Buddha (says wise ol’ me) is present. He is untainted by frustration or discomfort, and he truly enjoys every moment, regardless of any shit storm raining down. 

When the Buddha wakes up with a pain in his foot, the foot that’s been so injured in the past and has finally been feeling good, he isn’t bothered. He’d breathe and say, “It’s fine, I am present, I accept all things, I flow.” 

Warming Up In Life

Last week I spent three days by myself in Astoria, Oregon. But this isn’t a story about how magical my little solo retreat was and how omg you just have to go have some “me time.” 

There’s a pattern to my solo travels: I’ll be really excited to go, and I’ll have a great time on the drive out listening to music or podcasts and enjoying the scenery - moving from city to farmland to rolling hills to coastal mountains to river towns all the way to the salty cool air of the coast.

And then that first day I always end up feeling off. I feel lonely, I question if I should have brought someone with me, I feel unsafe and nervous sleeping alone in an unknown place. I get anxious that I’m not spending my time the “right” way. Am I relaxing enough? Too much? Should I get some work done? Am I planning out my days too much? Not enough? Is it a waste of time to watch 3 episodes of Inventing Anna and go to bed late? Should I set an alarm? It would be a shame to sleep the day away! 

By the second day, I’m settling in and enjoying my time alone. The thoughts of doing vacation “the right” way still linger. I allow myself to have ideas for the day without planning out every hour of it. By day three, I can’t believe it’s over and I’m wishing for another day or two. 

I realized the transition period I feel the first day is like warming up for my runs. I usually run in the morning, and the night before I’m always looking forward to it. But in the early hours of the morning, I’m often wishing I was sleeping and not doing bridges and squats on my carpet as I look outside at the dark, rainy morning. As I take those first creaky run steps, I may still be questioning my choices - the amount of layers I wore, the music I did or did not pick to play, the route I have in mind. And yet somehow, it all comes together and even if the run doesn’t feel great, I am always happy and grateful I did it. 

I follow a set routine of exercises for my running warmups, and this has gotten me thinking - where in my life could I create intentional warmup routines like I have for running? When I travel solo, is there something I could do to help me embrace the warm up period? My body needs to get its blood flowing and for the muscles in my glutes, shoulders, and core to start firing before a run. What do my mind and body need to warm up for time spent alone in new places? 

I don’t know what it will be, but for my next solo trip I’m going to test out some kind of warm up activity. Thankfully not all warmups require squats. 

Are my only options good or bad?

A client of mine recently tallied up the minutes she spends on all the “extra stuff” she does to support her running - strength, PT, warm ups and cool downs, rolling out and stretching at other times of day, yoga, etc - and she compared this to the number of minutes she spends actually running. 

I wanted to see how these numbers compared for me, and on average I spend about 3 1/2 hours each week on the “extra stuff” and a little over 4 hours running. 

For both of us, it takes almost equal amounts of the extra stuff to support our running. One way to see this, and frankly my default view on this, is: It’s so frustrating that I can't just run! Why do I have to do all this other stuff?! It didn’t used to be this hard.   

Another viewpoint I could try, the more positive one, is: I do all this stuff so I get to run. How cool that these funky little warm up drills and me doing squats in my living room allows me to run. 

A third viewpoint, what I’ll call the neutral one, is This is how it is. It doesn’t need to be a drag or to be exciting, this is just how running works. 

When I’m looking at something I feel negatively about, it often feels phony and unattainable to just Have a good attitude! Look on the bright side! That’s when I like to try out a neutral view, because not everything has to feel good or be something I really love doing. Some things just are. 

If I didn’t do all the extra stuff like my PT, I could probably run more with all the extra time I’d have, but I know that would only last so long before I would get injured. Compared to an injury, a few extra miles this week does not sound even mildly desirable. I mean really, how much of my time do I need to spend running anyways? 

You Don't Have To Run Today

You don’t have to run today. You could run, or not run.

You don’t have to do your PT exercises. You can do them, or not do them.

You don’t have to warm up or cool down. You could, or you could not.

You don’t have to go to bed early.

You don’t have to run in the dark.

You don’t have to take an ice bath.

You don’t have to sign up for an ultra.

If you run today, it’s because you get to run. You’re choosing to run.

You could choose to warm up.

You could choose to cool down.

You could choose to go to bed early.

You could choose to do an ultra.

You could choose not to do an ultra.

You could choose not to race at all.

Racing isn’t what makes you a runner. Running is.

You could choose to take an ice bath … or seriously, you could not. It’s the freaking winter.

It’s all a choice.

You get to run.

You get to choose.

P.S. I wrote this after talking with Ali Feller, the incredible host of the Ali on the Run show, about how much she hates the phrase “I have to.” I’m releasing my interview with her next week. Subscribe to Mind Over Miles to listen!

Self Worth: It Doesn't Make Sense

Last week I wrote about how we can love and value ourselves while also having big goals and high standards.

This week I’m realizing wait a second, self love? Très difficile. Muy dificil. That is very hard.

I mean, there are so many reasons not to love myself. I get frustrated and angry easily, I’m insecure, I hate being wrong, I question how resilient I am. If I have these qualities, if I get snappy, if I’m judgmental and reactionary, how can I really love myself? How can I feel I am worth it?

I go round and round in circles, trying to logic my way into deserving unconditional love. As you might guess, the conclusion is: not lovable.

My life coach Darla will suggest that I could choose to fully love myself, as is, and I imagine her saying this as she waves a glittery wand and magical birds chirp. And I’m like yeah, I’ll do that after about 100 more sessions when you’ve fixed everything that’s wrong with me.

Today I’m wondering what it would look like to separate logic and love. To accept that love isn’t logical, and be okay with things not “making sense.” To let love be a little more magical and a little less reasoned.

I keep thinking about what Olympic 400m runner Quanera Hayes told me, about how her self worth is rooted in her faith in God, and God’s love for her. Her self worth doesn’t come from her medals, her performance at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, her Diamond League Champion title, or her 4 World Championship medals. It also doesn’t come from the roles she plays - mother, athlete, mentor, sister, daughter, wife. It doesn’t come from any particular qualities she does or does not possess. It comes solely from her faith that God loves her, so why shouldn’t she love herself?

There’s no logical explanation for why even God loves her, but that also doesn’t matter. She believes it, so it’s true.

I don’t have the same religious experience as Quanera, but I don’t need to. I do believe in a higher power, or powers. Deep down I do believe there are things we can’t understand in our world, and that life is a little bit magical.

If I were try on Quanera’s strategy, I wouldn’t need to logic my way into loving myself unconditionally. There would be no need for reasons. I’d say, The universe loves me unconditionally, so why shouldn’t I do the same? It wouldn’t need to make sense, and I could still believe it’s true.

I’m going to try this one on, but I’m still gonna keep Darla around. Because maybe like, she can fix me?

Picture credit: Quanera Hayes

High standards and Feeling yourself

“You were for sure the fastest mom in the race.”

“Well we don’t celebrate that.” 

Gwen Jorgensen was quick to dismiss her husband Patrick’s attempt to comfort her after the US Olympic Trials 5k in 2021. 

After injury kept Gwen out of the Olympic Trials Marathon, she had a year to become a 5k runner, and by the time she got to the start line, she still wasn’t totally ready. She placed 9th and was content while still feeling the disappointment of her untapped potential. 

When I heard her say, “We don’t celebrate that,” I thought Ouch! Why not celebrate that you’re the fastest, and perhaps only, mom out there?! Your body has done something no one else’s has! Was she holding herself to too high of a standard? Being too hard on herself? 

I got to interview Gwen last week (amazing! so wise!) and when I asked her about this comment, she totally reframed my thinking on “high standards.” 

Gwen tells anyone who will listen: her goal is to win a gold medal in the Olympic marathon. No American woman has ever done that, and when Gwen set that goal many years ago, only two American women had even medaled in the event. Gwen may have an Olympic gold in the triathlon (lol did I not mention that?), but to some runners, her goal can sound lofty.

But someone needs to be the first, so why not her? Gwen said she sees athletes undercut themselves all the time, with big but “realistic” goals, like being the first American finisher, (but not the winner!) of the Boston Marathon. Why not set the biggest goal you can think of? Truly, why not? 

Well I’ll tell you why -  you’ll set yourself up for failure! For disappointment and misery and shame. High standards are good, but if you set your standards too high, you’ll never reach them, and then you’ll have more reasons to feel bad about yourself. Right? 

Wise Gwen says no. It’s not either or. It’s not big glory or big failure with these audacious goals. It’s both AND. You can have the big goal and you can celebrate the smaller wins along the way. You can fail and be proud of yourself and committed to the road ahead. 

Gwen didn’t want to celebrate being the fastest mom in the race because that wasn’t a goal of hers. She could celebrate herself for other small wins like her race tactics and her perseverance in hot conditions, but she didn’t need a consolation prize of “fastest mom.” She was proud of her work and she wanted more.

Gwen still wants to win Olympic gold. Last week, she was celebrating the fact that she ran for just 30 minutes straight. She’s recovering from Covid and her training doesn’t look anything like that of an Olympic gold hopeful right now. But she’s not changing her goal or feeling bad about herself. 

She’s got big goals AND feeling herself. You really can have it all. 

Follow along with Gwen’s journey!

Gwen’s Youtube (she posts great life, training, and race updates here!)

IG: @GwenJorgensen

(Picture credit: Talbot Cox)

A Free 4-Week Mental Training Plan, For You

We all can agree that running is a mental sport.

And yet, so often we only focus on the physical side of training.

I do it too, and it’s because the physical stuff is easier. Even the hard parts. Most days, I’d rather go on a hard run than be forced to examine my feelings, biases, beliefs, or God forbid try to change any of them.

I run because I want to be physically strong, but I also know I run because I want to grow mentally and emotionally.

Over time I’ve been shifting my coaching to focus more and more on the mental side of running (and life!).

I wanted to make something for anyone to dip their toe into mental training, so I present to you with great excitement … this free 4-week mental training plan. Over the course of a month, you will focus on a new skill every week

You will learn:

• How your mindset matters more than your miles

• How you see yourself as a runner, and why that matters

• Why running is important to you

• How your data could be helping or hurting your running

• How to develop your athletic intuition

I made this an email course instead of an instant download PDF, because I want anyone doing it to focus on one thing at a time and be truly present in their weekly practice. Sign up below and get started with the first lesson delivered to your inbox right away!

Tend Athletics 2022 Goals

A lot has gone on the past 18 months ... I got pregnant, swapped running for power walking (hand weights and all), gave birth to a baby girl named Ada, traveled to 3 countries in 3 weeks with said baby, returned to running, started writing a book, and now I’m back to running coaching and working on some exciting new running programs.

I’ve realized the part I love most about running coaching is the mental side of everything - being with people as they process their stress, doubts, and insecurities and seeing them find their intuition, patience, and confidence. This is the magic of running.

And yet, I see such an emphasis on the physical side of training, even in my work, and that’s something I’m committed to changing.

As long as your training plan has certain basics - a gradual build, regular strength work, warm ups and cool downs - it really doesn’t matter which one you follow. The secret sauce is not in your training plan. It’s in you. In your willingness to open up, look inside, question your thoughts, try new ones, feel silly or afraid, and keep going. In this way, my running coaching looks a lot like life coaching, aka unofficial therapy. And I love that!

I want to help more people grow mentally as runners and people, and with that in mind I want to share

My goals for Tend Athletics this year:

1. Create a group program focused solely on mental training.

2. Continue to offer 1-1 running coaching, with more emphasis on the mental training and less emphasis on a custom training plan.

3. Release a podcast about mindset in running and life. Season 1 will be about motherhood and running, featuring the interviews I’ve been doing for the book I’m working on.

4. Put my work out there and engage with people ... with you! I’ve been almost entirely off social media for 18 months and while it’s mostly been glorious, I want to share my work and connect with others - on Instagram, in writing this newsletter and articles for other publications, as a guest on podcasts etc. I want my work to help people and to matter, and to do that I want to know you - to see your struggles and successes and hear what you’re looking for.

Personally, my intentions for the year are to relish being a human and not a robot, to trust my decisions, and have fun every day. One concrete goal I have is to play around with hosting a book-club-style podcast. I’ve got my first book and reading partners ready. If you want to read along, we’ll be reading Sorrow and Bliss by Meg Mason.

So what can you expect from this newsletter in 2022? I plan to send out a short weekly email that is mostly on the topic of mindset in running and life, but also with tips on running training, recipes, and whatever is of interest to you! I would truly love to hear from you at any point with questions, training issues, topic suggestions, or just to say hi!

See ya next week,

Caitlin

P.S. A song, and artist, I'm loving lately is Clean by Maude Latour. You'll even (kind of) hear this email's subject line in there

P.P.S. The title picture is from a solo weekend trip I took to Neskowin, OR. I hope to make it an annual tradition and if you’ve ever thought about doing a solo retreat I highly recommend it!

When you fail

That dreaded moment of crossing the finish line and knowing you didn’t reach your goal. You might have been way off, or so close you could almost touch it. Either way, you’re as deflated as a big popped party balloon.

What do you do?

First things first, it’s time to get in a bath with all your sorrow, disappointment, frustration, confusion. Maybe you literally get in a bath. Know that it is okay, and even healthy and natural to give yourself this grieving period. This wallowing. And also, know that this period doesn’t have to last forever. You can sit in it until you don’t want to anymore. You can say to yourself, “I’ll be sad for 1 week, or 1 day,” whatever it may be.

When you’re ready to move on, what comes next?

You’re probably going to want to look back. You might go through your training log and calendar from the last few months - assessing what was going well and what was challenging in both training and life. Perhaps you could have done more of certain things. Gotten more sleep, done more strength training, more yoga, more hydrating. Or maybe you could have done less - less drinking, less unnecessary work, or even less mileage or fewer workouts. (Over-training is just as much of a possibility as under-training!)

You might have benefited from doing things differently. OR your training could’ve been perfect, and you might just need more time. You might have just had an off day. You will never know, and you can let this haunt you, or set you free. You’ll never know, so there’s no pressure to try to figure it out.

Maybe you can make some changes to your training, or maybe you just keep doing what you’ve been doing and link arms with your good friends patience and trust.

If you genuinely ask yourself, you’ll know if you need to make a change or stay the course.

Big goals take time, and far fewer people reach them on their first try than you’d think.

Life is a series of peaks and valleys, including all the hard-won scrambles, glorious meadow views, plateaus, and switch backs in between.

You will never know exactly why you didn’t have a good race. And when you do reach that goal, you’ll never know exactly why you had a good race either.

That’s okay. You can embrace that uncertainty as freedom. As trust. Trusting the process, and yourself.